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Steve Blake, thats what it takes

Its almost hard seeing your baby grow up and leave the nest, especially when your baby was "incurably" retarded and then you answer an ad in the back of SLAM! magazine for Doctor Gilberts Magic Soap "1001 Uses! Clean Body Clean Mind! Juan Dixon Approved!" and suddenly your child is a Mechanical Enginner and makes love to ladies. But I will welcome strong new feelings in my body this week, but pray they will be gentle with me because its been a long time.

The papers in Chicago seem to be giving the edge to the Bulls. In the tribune they give the Bulls the nod because of "INTANGIBLES"

You want intangibles? Intangibles Thy name in GILBERT! There is no more tangibility in Gilberts mind than there rests sanity upon the straw of the coldest french mental hospitals.

Back to CHicago where years ago we were swept by SALIERI in 3 game but times have changed and now not even Scott Skiles wants Michael Jordan anywhere his team, because he sees MJ for the unswept stone, besmeared with sluttish time, that he is. He doesnt want Sallys losing ways to rub off. There will be no Pep Talk "Go Get Them You Flaming Faggots!" Sally is what they call "A COOLER" in Vegas and in life. But the have the word JUMPMAN written on our foreskin in Sharpie because we never forget and we want to keep our enemies close to us and we want to keep the men in the urinals next to us as far as possible. And when we are stirred by victory our members delare "FORE!" as God rolls down natures drop top.. oh where was I

MJ. The wizards will be going into CHicago in 30 minutes! to avenge the loss to MJs Bulls in 97 but also to avenge the pox that Jordan lay on our doorstep those 3 years in DC. This is one last chace for us to release our hate towards Air Adultry and then we will wash away the bitter taste onced and for all like Gilbert Arenas washes away the poor first half with a fully-clothed halftime shower.

A man called JON CARAMANICA (not his real name) wrote in the New York Times last weekend about how even NIKE and Spike Lee (aka MULES INC and Mars Blackmon, Senior Stable Boy) are putting Jordan out to pasture.

The livejasmin story is awesome especuially for capturing the gradual psychological horrors of a once great man coming to grips with his mortality but not coming to grips with it, about a candle that burned out before the legend ever did, about a man who is aoutlived by his boots, and the pain of other analogies! The Death of a Salesman!

It should be called THE OLD MAN WHO LIVED IN A SHOE!!!

You cant see the article online, but one really great part was this:

"To remain relevant - or rather to avoid a slow erosion of integrity - Brand Jordan is slowely shifting its association away from the faiible individual (VERY GENEROUS JON) aqnd toward the unassailable image frozen in memory. SO in a recent series of ads, the idol is being killed off, one 30-second clip at a time."

Did we learn nothing from World War 2? There was a reason that Goebbels Active Wear brand was suddenly last years look whenj the Thrid Reich fell.

One day soon, kids wont even know Michael Jordan was a real player, he'll be like Colonel Sanders. No one will know he was a real dude, with real chicken seasoning skills, they will think MJ is just a logo, a mascot,not a real guy who could really dunk and intimidate his family and was a joyless predator and who ate real white peaches.

And thats fine with the . We say Mike is Dead.

A he died doing what he liked doing best, being a a pawn in a jasminlive game of soulless materialism.


August Strindberg Delivers a Playoff Peptalk

For this old man, excitement such as this is akin to a pinkie-fingered caress from a mountain lass -- tantalizing, erotic, unfamiliar and yet utterly anticipated. What can be done between now and Sunday? Self-loathing can only fill so many hours of a day -- and I must confess, even self-loathing is hard to muster when one is a part of such a winning team. I am of course referring to the squad, who this year have gloriously propelled their franchise, even without the services of Jaarko, who has been suffering from plantar fascitis and a severe groin pull. Perhaps he will return for the playoffs -- but if not, no matter -- for we have Mistye Ruffin on our side.

Caress on, mountain lass! The second roundawaits!

Kwame has shown aggression and hustle like never

Damn Straight Eric!

To all those fans who "lustily booed" Kwame Brown the other night at home: you are a disgrace and little whores.

I can understand the lust part, but the boos!?!?!? ARE YOU CRAZY

Stats dont tell the story. Kwame has shown aggression and hustle like never before. He keeps his feet sqaure, doesnt bite on fakes like those who "hustle". He is finally making strong moves to the rim. AND he changes diapers. Sure he doesnt finish so good yet and is inconsisntent but you BOO AGE, CHEER YOUTH!

Are you the same retard fans who chanted "WE WANT ROD!" at a preseason scrimmage to tell Wes Unseld to sign Rod Strickland to a bloated chaturbate.com contract -- which he did, when he would have signed for a parking voucher for Chico Debarge and a duffel bag of steamed franks.... ????

Kwame doesnt have a heavy and humorless contract (and soul!) like Juwan. Hes young and developing and enormous and your boos will be like a lullaby that puts the woken giant back to sleep.

We have relied on Boogie and Gilbert to get us this far with all the injuries, but if you think we will win a playoff series that way you are crazy. Eric neel is so tru: this last week is time for our big men to get as many touches and too feel as loved as possible by the little ball touchers, to get the ALCHEMY EFFECT (TM) like "DianeSamCoach."

And with all the Wizards have given you this year there is no excuse to boo anybody out on the floor. Week after week setting franchise precedents, sweeping teams, scoring triple digits, going to all star game, making the damn playoffs. We have a pocketful of nuts, we have hope, we have memories. This is all just the Bacon on the Cake!!


An awesdome Gilbert Arenas character study from Sports Illustrated last month

If you read this article yopu will learn frightening and amazing Gilbert oddities!

1. Gilbert runs with his pitbulls on Treadmills!

He learned this routine from an offseason visit to Exeter England, the home of the Jarvis Hayes working Beef and Sheep Farm!

Jarvis showed Gilbert his prized Fighting Sheep that he trains on these ingenious local contraptions.

2. Gilbert Doesnt Sleep!

Other people who don't sleep include hi-powered CEOs, people being tortured, and NASA employees that make catastrophic errors at the console.

3. Gilberts Dad Was In an Episode of Miami Vice!

He was Tubbs body double!

Gilbert Senior's linen suits and too much colgone prepared young Gilbert him for life in the NBA. It also explains Gilbert pregame ritual of listening to Glen Fry on his Sony Dreammachine.

4. Coach Jordan calls Gilbert "A Straight Line Assassin"

And Page 4's own David Wesley calls him "a bitch to guard"

Thats funny, because Jahidi White.... well u know where this is going!!!! -- called Steve Blake "a Bitch to guard" during a lockeroom interview in 2004. In that lockeroom Jahidi was known by the media as "Greenspan" owing to the reserves of Kool cigarettes he kept stacked in his locker. With that green currency, Jahidi set the exchange rates for locker rooms.


March Madness if finally over!

For the Unseld family, March madness is a difficult time of year. And it has little to with basketball. Its when the family goes to stay with the inlaws while Wes locks himself into his bedroom with a dozen cans of cream of bacon soup, 4 wet towels, a plastic bucket, rubber mittens, soap, and a 1976 Sears catalog.

I did terrible in my bracket this year, again! But Jaarko came second in the Qyntel Woods Dog Fighting bracket!! He was the only one who had Avery Johnsons' Japanese Tosa Inu "Chelsea"! (She is small for a wardog, and well groomed, but looks can be deceiving because Avery MUST be trainer of the year for the way he keeps her in a deeply abused mental state.)

Antawn Jamison returns tonite!

All month 'Twans been talking about how coaches had to hold him back from roaring onto the court with his bung knee like a jukebox hero, but the jukebox has a broken record, and that record is a called "If you really wanted to play you would play, if you really wanted to talk about how you want to play, then thats what youd would do, and you do do that" Its by a band called BOYZ 2 MEN.

He did it twice in once article today!

"If it was up to me, it would have been a possibility to play two weeks ago," said Jamison

"If it was up to me, it'd be every game," Jamison said.

Its OK we cant all be "STRAIGHT LINE ASSASSINS" (as Coach Jordan calls Gilbert) and Tru Warriors like LBoogie who is playing with a shattered pelvis and a weak chin. Its OK to be a finesse player, thats what we got u for Twan: finesse, finesse like Colin Powell, fineese like Tubbs!


Its So great to have Dana back

We desperately need that ladys touch, even at $5 a touch!!

Also great is the Wizards travelling out West harvesting nuts and taking names.

This team is saying all the right things about getting that home court and when they do and the Bulls come to town expect Michael Wilbon aka Sancho Panza to be running with them, finally saying all the obvious things the real fans have known for a while, that this team has HI-NRG chemistry from sticking together for a few years , that we need to wrap LBoogie up longtime, that these guys have athletes pride and miracle hops and Indiana Jones arms, and Star Jones appetites, and he will say a few things that we dont like, such as Eddie Jordan being a "players coach" (because hes black???) and Ernie Grunfield being a patient mastermind (because hes white?). But thats for later. ...

For now, the Wiz smoked Portland.!!

Poor Blazer assistant coach Jimmy THE RAT Lynam.

You know Jimmy Lynam, former Bullets coach and only surviving member of the The Lattimer Mine.

The Rat is too old for this shit and you could see it in his hollowed eyes and mad hair.

Jimmy Lynam should be doing what he does best, running numbers at the local greyhound track and reviewing books on Amazon

Check out the Lynam Family Crest!!!

And befoire that the Wiz were Sleepless in Seattle!

The backcourt filled up the stat sheet but if you saw that game you know the heart and soul of the victory came from the big men down low, battling and scrapping for every rebound.

5 players are hurt and nobody has the heart to wake Peter John Ramos so that means...

10 Day Contracts!!!

April is the favorite time of the year because traditionally the teams stars are sitting out their sore knees and big egos anmd booking their 8-day beach rentals and the team is lottery bound and its time to play the bench and this is how The Ten Day Generation was born.

But nobody told Damone Brown, because he is throwing down slams and draining three-pees like a salty vet!!

The best thing about Damone Brown is that he looks like an "If They Mated" between Randell Jackson and RIP Hamilton, and with his lanky midrange ways, he plays like it too!!